Poetry Page
Writing poetry is medicinal to me:
by giving a voice
to what feels like having no choice
I free up some space
as I slowly embrace
what is.
Devastation
Today I am an open wound
with no medicine in sight
a skilled heart warrior
who has been burried alive.
As I am skinned to my bones
by a pain way bigger than me
I am dying alive
begging life to set me free.
Today I cannot walk
I can actually barely stand.
Thank God for friends
brave enough to hold my hand.
As I walk through dungeons
deeper than I have ever been
by the pace of an open wound…
I don’t know how to take the next breath in.
But I will survive my very own death
no need to know how and when.
Just not today, nor in the next breath
with Love as my guide, I will rise again.
Bulimia Nervosa,
what a tough cookie you are,
of all the darkness that I faced
you leave the biggest scar.
‘Cause no matter what I try
and no matter what I do
there seems to be no way
of parting ways with you.
I can barely remember life
without you by my side
behind big walls of shame
you & I could forever hide.
You bring me to my knees
sometimes steal my will to live
you seem so much bigger than me,
thus to you the mic I give.
‘Cause I’m done with the part of you
where you make me feel alone
I’m not sure how to deal with you
at least not on my own.
So I’m opening up a field
where others and I can meet
and all of us together
Bulimia and us… we greet.
Not to fix and not to change
not to throw lightning balls at you
but to invite you out of the shadow
and bring you more in view.
As our guest of honor
we’ll let you speak out loud
and maybe recover within ourselves
some sense of being proud…
Painting by Christine - go to webite here
Depression
There should be a house
where I can stroll
around
without a sound
like a ghost
in a body
like a nobody.
Where no ‘must’ lives
and everything
simply is.
Where I can sleep when I want to
for hours, weeks or even years.
Forgetting what day it is.
Cry endlessly.
Stare.
Sit.
To eat or not. Whenever.
To shower or to reek, doesn’t matter.
To worry and to mull… for ever.
Not because I want to.
But because this is
what I already do.
And it eats me alive
that this is my best
for indefinite duration.
So what I need…
but cannot find within myself…
nor can I breed
it...
is pure p.e.r.m.i.s.s.i.o.n.
Thus. Where. Is. That. house?
More Poems
Dearest body,
How. I. Rejected. You. by constantly calling you names like ‘fat’ or ’ugly’ and other things that aren’t so pretty. How. I. Blamed. You. for everything that was missing in my life. You stole my happiness! Bitch. How. I. Hated. You. for being too tall, too wide, too big, for simply being too ugly. Urghhhhh. How. I. Tortured. You. with strict diets and unhealthy pills. With lotions and creams that poisened you unconsciously. With my right finger down your throat. Year after year after year. ... I am sorry. I was wrong. I didn’t know how to do better. And I still don’t – in many ways. Thank you for surviving me... and for patiently allowing hatred to move through you until there will be a space big enough for me to inhabit. A temple, Just. For. me. Someday. Some day…
Wishing to die/live?
For several years in a row my deepest wish was to die ‘cause me being on Earth I could not understand why. I tried to destruct my body I tried to destroy my Self by abandoning my needs and neglecting my very health. I didn’t believe in God, but did I pray to the moon: “Please let me die in my sleep, please let me go Home soon.” ‘Cause I didn’t understand the point of my life and all of the pain I was tired to survive. But the Moon only answered by holding space for it all and so I picked myself up after every crash and fall. My heart was broken open more times than I can count as love started sneaking in in a slow increasing amount. I met people on my path that were like angels in human form who spoke so lovingly to me that their tone became my norm. And that is how I survived my every death unil today and after so many horrible years on planet Earth I wish to stay.
Devastation's prayer
I pray for the courage to be right where I'm at I pray for the strenght to take the next little step. I pray for the Love to help me up when I fall I pray for the will to live through it all. I pray that in time my strength is revealed I also pray that in time this dying human may be healed.
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